It Takes Two to Tango

CHINA – A world expert in ancient pottery reported Thursday that the famed terra-cotta army of China, first unearthed in 1974, is “actually a bunch of Chia people.”

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Terry Throckmorton, a world expert in ancient pottery, admittedly with visible frustration Thursday that “we’ve basically spent the last thirty years exhuming some guy’s attic. And I used to be cool with that, because I thought, ‘Hey. We’re doing something worthwhile.’”

Rumblings first emerged in 2003, when Blaine Armatrading, senior field researcher for the Ron Popeil Institute for Archaeological Study, published a paper in Oriental Trading proposing the theory Throckmorton has since reluctantly conceded is true. At the time, however, Throckmorton lashed out at Armatrading’s theory that the terra-cotta soldiers were full-body Chia heads, saying that the tiny holes drilled in their heads “are simply for ventilation,” and the Made in China stickers attached to every single soldier are “par for the course.”

“You know, it wasn’t even the soldiers that gave it all away,” said a tearful Throckmorton, gripping his podium tightly and staring bleakly into the television cameras of NBC, CBS, the BBC and the Home Shopping Network. “But when we found the large circular rock covered with tiny square mirrors, we had to wonder. But the last nail in the coffin was the pile of stones we found in the back of the cave with googley eyes glued to them. So I was already numb when we found the “Shooter of Salad.”

The Chinese government has stated no plans for the Chia Head Army as of yet, although TSFN has discovered that “www.ownyourownancientchineseknicknack.com” was registered the following day. Throckmorton, however, was unavailable for comment, as he was last seen headed toward the tomb with a large hammer and a determined facial expression.